A Quiet Heart Is…Willing to Confess
I have lived with a caged heart, raging inside of me like a bird beating its wings against the bars that confine it. I know Psalm 32.3-4 to be true because I lived it – “When I refused to confess my sin, my body wasted away, and I groaned all day long. Day and night your heart of discipline was heavy on me. My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat.”
There was a sin that I held hidden in my heart for nearly two yeas. It was a rebellion against God and against someone I had loved. I reasons that since it was in the past and our relationship had changed, I didn’t need to open an old wound. I knew in my heart that omission was a lie and I wouldn’t be whole until I spoke the truth.
I confessed to God but there was still a heavy burden on my heart. I tried to put it out of my mind. Excuse it. Dismiss it.
The nagging pain in my heart kept coming back like that scab you continue to pick at, hoping it will go away. Only it needs to be mended, healed. I couldn’t get the guilt out of my head. I couldn’t pray anymore without it tugging at the corners of my mind, coming between me and God.
I finally choked back the shame I felt and wrote the letter I never wanted to pen. I showed the darkest parts of me to a person I had tried to present a holy front to.
I mailed that letter and though there was a twinge of fear at what he would think in the pit of my stomach, my heart finally felt free. I felt forgiven. Even though God had already forgiven me, the weight on me, His hand of discipline, demanded I make it right by the truth.
I later sat at dinner with this man and had a hard conversation about the past, and a hopeful one about the future. It wasn’t easy but it was right. I could now live out Psalm 32.5: “Finally, I confessed all my sins to you and stopped trying to hide my guilt. I said to myself, ‘I will confess my rebellion to the Lord,’ and you forgave me! All my guilt is gone.”
The raging inside subsided. My heart was quiet again.
Whenever I feel a disquiet groaning again in my soul, I try to remember that time in my life and ask God to show me unconfessed sin that holds my heart captive. I know I will only experience freedom and a quiet heart when I am willing to confess.
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