On Monday, Jesus had cleared out the temple and the anger of the Jewish leaders of Jerusalem grew. Jesus enlisted so many emotions in people that week – adoration, awe, confusion, anger, fear. Tensions ran high and on Tuesday as Jesus continued to evade the traps of the authorities and look forward to the End in his teachings, one of His own began his descent into betrayal. Judas negotiated with the Sanhedrin to turn Jesus over for 30 pieces of silver and looked for the right time to make his move. In just a couple short days, more of His disciples would deny Him and flee.
I have to wonder what was going on in Judas’ head and heart that week as he remained with Jesus but knew what he was planning to do. Was he already regretting his decision but unable to turn back? Was he full of pride and blinded to the truth? As one who knew the Lord and walked away in my past (thank God for His loving pursuit of us and endless forgiveness), I know that He was always with me. Even when I tried to run from Him, I couldn’t. Any of us could be Judas or Peter, betraying, denying. I’m so thankful for a love that can overcome even the darkest of hearts. His love is relentless and will never let us go, will always be waiting for us…
You Could Not Hold Me
(Reflections of the Betrayer)
You captured my heart
but you could not hold me.
Maybe you were too risky
or I was overly ambitious.
Was I simply restless
or was it my pride that was in the way?
I feel like there’s no satisfaction,
always a longing for more in me,
wondering if I am missing
the path I should be taking,
chasing the wrong dreams.
I left you, not once looking back.
Now there’s distance between us
and I stop to think of you,
feeling as if I had been dreaming,
that I never sat at your feet.
I thought I could walk away
and shut you out forever.
Instead, I find you creeping in,
the corners of my mind drawing back,
trying not to remember,
unable to forget.
I am left here wondering
if the price was too high,
the one I paid to walk away.
But I can’t see a way back,
there is no forgiveness that great.
And so I live each day
with my questions and my doubts
of what might have been
and what can never be.