Finding My Voice: Why Write?
I sat in the back of my sixth grade English class, not working on the assignment. I could half pay attention in school and still do well. No, my hand was flying across the pages of a green three-prong notebook that contained my first (and to this date, only) book. I don't remember the story, only that it was a love story called "Rush."
I just always had this need to write, either borne out of my love for the written word or maybe I was just born with it. All through high school poetry was my therapy. Never was teen angst more thoroughly, though definitely more adequately, expressed.
Simply, as a child I wrote for myself. I loved the way it transported me to another world and let me express things I would never have the courage to say out loud. If I had a hard thing to express to someone, they knew well that they would receive a hand-written note spelling it out, because I never could find the words in person.
Then, I grew up...and as happens with many artists, reality set in. I never followed my art as a career and I tried to keep writing, but it took a back burner to the things that seemed to matter. We had bills to pay and two real job that expected me to show up 50 hours a week. We had a baby on the way and I couldn't find the time to write. My talent sat on a shelf next to a book of poetry my husband compiled of the dozens I had written in my early years.
I have had friends prodding me to blog and God nudging me toward pursuing my writing for a while now. But I have been resistant to lay bare my soul online in a way that is vulnerable, risky.
Well, God's nudges have become shoves and how can I say "no" to Him?
So, here I go, trying to carve out a space for my words in this infinite world online. As I thought about what I wanted to write, what this space would feel like, the same words kept coming back to me...
Not all my friends would believe this, but I am such an introvert. It's not that I don't like to be around people or find joy in my friends. But I need some quiet in all the noise of life. When I curl up with the written word, I find that the world just disappears.
Often when I am reading, a voice breaks through the world that has been created in my head by what I am reading. I will realize someone was actually trying to carry on a conversation with me. I can find such quiet spaces as I enter into the world an author weaves with his words.
The noise of the world just fades away...
I have always loved the Word of God. How amazing is it that God has given us a written record of His words to us throughout the generations, has spoken to us in such a way that He still speaks to us today?
In seminary and since, one of my favorite things to do was study the archeological and sociological aspects of the Bible, to see how understanding the cultural context brings to life, in a new way, what God is saying to us today.
I could sit for hours and study the Bible and when I was young and single, I had opportunities to do just that. I remember sitting on the edge of a dock looking out over the Mississippi bayou reflecting on the things God was teaching me in a sweet time of my life when I was in seminary.
I can still taste the salt of the red sea as I sat next to it and read God's word on a retreat when we lived in the Middle East. These were beautiful times of unbroken devotion...
The world seems like a simple place when you are young, doesn't it?
It is so easy to see life in black and white. When I started traveling overseas, God started to open my eyes up to a noisy, messy world of cultures and religions that lived together beautifully in some places and clashed with a vengeance in others. I saw traditions so beautiful I could cry and political corruption so horrible I did weep. I met people with beautiful stories that could inspire and tragic ones that could break your heart. I saw how God weaves all of our stories together in His Great Story.
Then, I came home from living in the Middle East and my world was turned upside down. Seven months after returning to the states and still trying to reconcile the life lived from two suitcases to a life again full of all the "stuff" in America, we added to the mix a new layer of life.
Our first child was on the way...
Life continued to get louder and louder. Contrasting the call to a simple life and a yearning to grasp the great big world I had experienced overseas, was the longing for security in a world that was spinning. The American economy tanked right when we returned home and found ourselves expecting a child. I worked 50 hours a week between two jobs until we had our daughter, just trying to make ends meet.
I now found myself torn as I wanted to stay home with her but couldn't afford to. We also lived between the dichotomies of building a stable life in the U.S. and missing an international life every day.
God's voice got dimmer and dimmer to me. Those sweet times of devotion I had previously known became gasps of prayers and little glances at His word when I could make the time.
The noise in my head got louder and His voice become smaller...
A new noise was rising all the time as social media and blogging got bigger in the world and in my life. Added to all of the layers of voices vying for our attention daily was an endless stream of friends and strangers speaking into every possible area of our lives. Spend too much time online and you can drive yourself crazy!
Not only did I feel like I wasn't a good mom because I had to work full time, I also now felt pressure to have do and be all that every pinterest or facebook post said I should do and be - to live up to the expectations of a good mom, Christian, person.
I thought I could find ideas and help on how to balance it all, but instead all I found was a load of unrealistic expectations my perfectionist self just heaped on top of an already drowning spirit.
I couldn't even find who I was anymore underneath all of the anxiety I felt. Life felt like chaos and I couldn't hear a single voice in the noise...
Remember those friends who would never believe I was an introvert?
They'd probably also never know I had become an anxious, drowning mess underneath the smile I plastered on. I literally felt like I couldn't breathe some days, but I didn't have time to stop and deal with it. I had a husband and two kids, by this point, to take care of. I had a job to do, a home to run, leadership in ministries to attend to.
It wasn't that I was unhappy. I was ridiculously blessed, so how could I even complain?
But in the middle of a time when I needed help the most, I had never felt so alone. Thousands of voices swirled around me daily, but I couldn't hear one except my own self-doubt convicting me: "You are a failure. You are not enough."
There was only one voice I wanted to hear, that of my sweet Jesus. I knew it was only God's view of me that mattered. I knew the truth forwards and backward, had never stopped believing in His mercy that is new every morning. I believed God was good all the time and that He was in control. But I couldn't get the truth I knew in my head to take root again in my heart and make a difference in my life.
In all the noise around me, I had lost the sound of my Savior's voice and I needed to learn to hear it again...
Finally came New Year's Day 2015. I sat in the quiet of a monastery I love, this beautiful church where I can just feel the presence of God as warm as the sunlight streaming in colored rays through the stained glass. In this quiet, stolen moment I could hear Him like the thunder from the mountain of Moses, clear and real. My pen flew over my journal and I felt so certain of the things He was saying to me and the steps He was asking me to take.
A few days later I tried to steal away a few more quiet moments with Him, a sweet three-year-old curled up in my lap, startled by a dream and wanting to find mommy in the early morning hours. I couldn't hear the thunder anymore, but over the breath of a little boy, I heard a whisper.
And God was in that, too...
So, I started to write - to quiet the noise and focus in on His voice again, to make sense of the noise inside and outside, and to tell others the lessons I am ever so slowly learning every day at the feet of the Master.
As I thought of what I would write, all I could think of was how I wanted to hear His voice in all the noise, how I wanted find a way in the midst of life to learn to hear my Shepherd's voice and go towards it. I won't always have time to steal away and be quiet. We need to learn to hear His voice so clearly I can hear it in the midst of the chaos and craziness.
I wanted to share what I have learned and what God is teaching me daily in this journey to hear and follow His voice.
And I thought of this world that He loves so dearly in all its beauty and brokenness, its mess and color. He's allowed me to see such wonderful things and some beautiful people who don't have a voice to raise. They have stories to tell with their lives and no one to listen to them.
I want to be their voice.
I want to tell their stories so they don't get lost in the noise.