#5MFW 32

October 26, 2016 Noticing (Everyday life)

Confront

31 Days of Practicing Faith

In October, I am free writing for five minutes a day—raw and unedited—on practicing faith in the every day. Each day is based on a different prompt from 31 Days of Five Minute Free Writes.

{Day 26} -Confront

Something has shifted in my spirit as I try to grasp the scope of God's infinite patience and grace with me. I have always identified intimately with Paul's thoughts about the law and sin in Romans 7 when he talks about his inability to do what he wants to do. My journals over the last few years are filled with endless variations on those words—as I struggle with the conflict between wanting to draw closer to God but lack the discipline to do the things that initiate that closeness.

I want to pray more. Why can't I? I long to be more loving. Why am I so self-centered? I don't want to be so full of fear. Why do I let anxiety get the best of me? On and on the struggle goes. "What a wretched man am I!" (Romans 7.24) That has been my cry, where I have wallowed for so long. I have stayed in that place.

But I needed to keep reading...there is more to Paul's story and more to mine if I will let there be. Who will rescue me? "Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord! (verse 25). Until I confront my own shortcomings and realize there is no way for me to stop sinning, I will keep wallowing in shame. I will stay in the place of just kicking myself for my failures but never moving past them. When I come to the realization that my attempts will never be good enough but it doesn't matter because He will rescue me...then the shift begins.

It's not a seismic shift. It's a subtle one. It's a movement in my heart as I accept what He's done for me and keep confronting my sinfulness in light of His amazing grace.

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October 25, 2016 Noticing (Everyday life)

Sign

31 Days of Practicing Faith

In October, I am free writing for five minutes a day—raw and unedited—on practicing faith in the every day. Each day is based on a different prompt from 31 Days of Five Minute Free Writes.

{Day 25} -Sign

We look for signs on the way home from school, identifying them by their shapes and colors. My youngest plays the same game his sister did at this age. He doesn't know what the signs say yet but he knows that funny shaped red one means to stop and that the man up ahead holding the construction sign means we need to go slow. I pay attention to the signs when I drive because I like to know what is coming. I wish there were more road signs in our daily lives! Oh, how I long to know what is really coming around the bend for me.

I have grasped for control even more as I have aged, not wanting to be caught unprepared, not wanting a detail of my kids lives to slip through the cracks of my busy life. It has often gotten to the point of anxiety and panic when my life gets to a lot of chaos and unknown.

I am reading a 40-day devotional about fear right now. At first, I thought "I don't really struggle with fear" but a friend suggested this book for people who have anxiety, so I thought I'd give it a try. As I began to read, I saw myself in every page. My need for control, my yearning for the known—it comes from fear resulting in not really understanding who God is. Father, Loving, Friend, Patient, Kind, Sovereign. If I really slow down and ask Him to show me His character, take the time to understand how in control He really is, then my fear will melt away. Maybe not easily. Maybe not without a lot of work and reminding myself of who He is moment by moment. But it will.

I am learning there are signs everywhere, reminding me my God is in full control and that whatever comes around the bend, He isn't caught unaware.

Lord, help me to see the signs today.

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October 24, 2016 Noticing (Everyday life)

Global

31 Days of Practicing Faith

In October, I am free writing for five minutes a day—raw and unedited—on practicing faith in the every day. Each day is based on a different prompt from 31 Days of Five Minute Free Writes.

{Day 24} -Global

For some people, it is a struggle to think about the world past their own family, neighborhood, church, or country. Ever since the first time I stepped foot into the developing world years ago, thinking globally hasn't been an issue for me. My heart is tied to the cry of poor and oppressed people. I read news about persecution in places many people don't even think about. I dive into causes on a global scale.

For me, the struggle is getting so focused on what is going on "out there" that I can forget to look at what is happening right where I am. I can let needs in my own backyard go unnoticed. I can forget the local for the call of the global. The magnitude of the needs in the world can overwhelm some and cause inaction. Or it can motivate us to a drive to act. The problem is we can get so caught up in the excitement of the feeling that what we are doing matters. We can forget that the little, unsung acts matter, too.

The smile that makes a difference for that hurting friend. The meal we bring. The errand we run. The gift we give. The moment we stop to pray with them. The ability to really listen to someone hurting. The time we stop to really see.

There are causes that require action and I still want to be involved in them. I can never stop seeing the huge needs out there and jumping in to help meet them. But Lord, don't let me ever forget the cause of the person right next to me wherever I am today.

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October 23, 2016 Noticing (Everyday life)

Blowout

31 Days of Practicing Faith

In October, I am free writing for five minutes a day—raw and unedited—on practicing faith in the every day. Each day is based on a different prompt from 31 Days of Five Minute Free Writes.

{Day 23} -Blowout

The thumping got louder, the beating sound like something was stuck under the car growing. Once the car started to pull to one side, we knew that we hadn't run over something. It was the tire. We pulled off the road to inspect the flat and found the source of the problem. A large screw had been embedded in the tire. My husband told me that it could have been there a while, letting air slowly leak out. We didn't even know there was a problem until it became a full blowout. He put the spare on so we could make it to a shop to see if they could patch the tire or if the tire was beyond repair.

I have had similar blowouts in my faith. I didn't realize there was a slow leak (or ignored it because I didn't want to admit it) until I was weeping at the altar or crumpled in tears by my bed. There have been times when my prayers are slowly drained of life and I don't realize it until I gasp at the thought that I haven't come to God at all that day. I crawl into bed, feeling the shame like a tangible blemish on my soul. I feel weighed down by it, defined by my failure. I still don't come to Him, feel like I don't have the right to because of my forgetfulness. I wonder if there is a fix or if it is beyond repair.

We have a newer car now that has a tire pressure management system. An orange light turns on when the pressure is low, alerting us that there might be a leak. We can keep a watchful eye on the pressure to make sure we don't have an unexpected blowout.

I am learning that journaling is my personal faith management system. I have journaled all my life, sometimes more consistently than others. Even if it is a quick check in, recording a prayer or a verse that spoke to me—it is a moment to stop and keep an eye on my day. It's a moment to make myself stop and pray, to ask God how the pressure in my soul is feeling and give my burdens to Him. I'm trying to do a better job of managing my faith so the blowouts come less often...

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October 22, 2016 Noticing (Everyday life)

Off

31 Days of Practicing Faith

In October, I am free writing for five minutes a day—raw and unedited—on practicing faith in the every day. Each day is based on a different prompt from 31 Days of Five Minute Free Writes.

{Day 22} -Off

"God rejoices that you have come however forgetful you may have been of God during the day."

I had my eyes closed, the peaceful music washing over my soul. I was relaxing into my end of the day practice of examen. It is a practice I have tried to incorporate into each day but have struggled to be consistent in. To an evangelical who is new to contemplative prayer, it can feel awkward tto be still. I have always learned prayer is talking. I am trying to learn to do the listening. I found a new app that offers audio of daily prayers, including guided examen practices.

This line broke into the silence and my eyes snapped open. Really? God rejoices when I come to Him, even if it is the only time I have come all day? Even if I spent my day ignoring Him, trying to be in control, trying to be self-sufficient? Even if my daily prayer practice is so much less than I want it to be, than I know it should be?

The next day as I was taking a short walk and trying to pray, I couldn't get this line out of my head. I knew in my head this was true but I couldn't get my heart to believe it. Years of feeling like I had to do certain things to earn God's favor has left me with such a skewed view of my Good Father. In my day to day faith, I so often doubt that He truly rejoices when I come to Him.

The image of my kids popped into my mind and I thought of how forgetful and self-centered they can be. If they spent all day ignoring me but then came to me humbly, asking forgiveness and wanting my love—would I turn from them? Could I turn my love for them off? Would I reject them? Of course not! I would scoop them up in my arms, glad they had come to their senses and returned. I don't get a day off as a mom. Ever. I will always love them, always welcome them back no matter how far they run.

A tear rolled down my cheek and I nodded. Okay, God. I hear you. Whenever I come, you rejoice. You don't take any time off from loving me. I remember. Help my forgetfulness.

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