The world outside the window fits the world inside me in this moment. What started as a light drizzle throughout the morning has become a downpour. Each week I enter this coffee shop while the stars still blanket the world, and I emerge after the sun has started to illuminate my table that acts as a writing desk for my weekly writing office hours. The sun should have emerged an hour ago, but the sky is grey and no light shines through. Folk music plays and the espresso machines whir; friendly chatter becomes the backdrop to my thoughts. Inside all is warm and dimly lit, creating an atmosphere of serenity. Outside the storm rages.
I’ve always prided myself on my strength. I come from a long line of strong women who worked hard, carried their families; women who did it all. I equated strength with quantity, with full and busy lives. So I followed suit. I launched myself into every endeavor with passion and gusto. When I travel, I seek to soak in every last moment, saying, “Who knows if I’ll ever be here again? I can sleep when it’s over.” I can do it all. I can have it all. That’s how I’ve lived for 35 years.
A decade ago my body started telling me that I couldn’t keep up the pace and the emotional strain of taking on everything with all of my being. My doctor finally named my chest pains and inability to catch my breath as what it was—anxiety.
Sometimes I have listened to my body, treated it well and found moments of relief; other times I pushed myself to the limit and pushed through the pain. I’ve begged God for relief. I’ve taken medication, diffused oils, stretched through downward dog and pushed my muscles to the limit in the gym. I’ve soaked in suds, played with my kids, escaped into books.
But I never stopped believing I could do all the things. I pretended I was slowing down when I turned down certain commitments. But I replaced those with new ones. I couldn’t let go of the addiction of activity, the rush of busyness. I said I wanted stillness but I didn’t really. When left alone with my thoughts, I was forced to face the realities I didn’t want to. Introspection became the thing I avoided with all of my doing.
I watch the gutters gush forth a full load, puddles spilling over like a tiny river that feet splash through on their way to the car. My heart fills like the gutters these days; it’s at capacity, overflowing...
I stare into the gleaming white lights of the Christmas tree until they blur together and dance across my vision, that tree adorned with symbols of peace and hope:
The star that lights the way to the one who delivers. The angel that sings of peace on earth. The manger that holds the hope of the world inside.
We love to sing and ponder the wonder of this time of year, to hold the beauty of a silent night close to our hearts.
But so often our hearts are anything but at peace as the holiday draws near and the flickering lights mock us. Hope seems out of reach and a silent night is all but a story in a children’s book that we can’t imagine being our reality.
What then? Does Christmas offer anything when all is not calm and bright?
So much unknown darkens the heart of Christmas for me this year. The gloom of declining health of family members casts a shadow over celebration. The grief of a life in transition and the uncertainty of what lies ahead in the coming months hangs over all our festivities. The never-ending parade of duties overshadows the sacred Advent call to waiting and expecting.
And that’s just my tiny little world. I can’t even begin to name the darkness that threatens to overtake so many people this season — the fear of what is to come in our divided nation, the death raining down on a city under siege across the world tonight, the bombs claiming more and more lives each day.
As darkness threatens to close in, I sit in the quiet where tiny dots of light are piercing the night. It’s here in the dancing shadows cast down by the sparkling evergreen reminder of hope that I realize this: peace comes with a cost.
I think about the land the Word became flesh in all those years ago, the people Christ came to when He became a babe. The Israelites had a history of wanting redemption without the cost. So do I...
My mind struggles to place this feeling—this breathlessness, the sensation of reaching for something secure. I lie in bed trying to quiet my thoughts, forcing my chest to rise and fall in regular, timed breaths. I think over all there is to do and all I have left undone today. I fret over all the plans that feel over my head. I imagine water rising around me. A memory plays at the edges of my consciousness and I suddenly know when I felt this way, just a few weeks before.
My brave little girl had made the move from tentative wave jumper to full-blown ocean lover this summer. We vacation yearly at the same beloved beach and we loved being back, days spent covered in salt and sand.
She would beg me to take her, boogie-board in tow, far out to where the waves were breaking. Their white peaks would tease us, our hearts racing as they neared. Most often they would dissipate before getting to us. But once in a while, the foamy rushing water would tower over our heads and carry us in, sometimes under.
The water was up to her shoulders but not too high for me. I wanted to see the great waves the way she saw them, so when she was occupied with friends I broke away to venture farther out into the chilly, murky Atlantic. I swam until my feet dangled and my head bobbed up and down with each move of the water. I couldn’t see another person near. There was only water and sky in every direction. Completely at the mercy of the sea, completely caught up in it.
For a moment I marveled at the beauty of it. There is nothing I love more than the tranquil sound of waves lapping against the shore, the vastness of it all. I felt my smallness so keenly in that moment, knew my place in the world. A tiny spec in the seemingly endless ocean—I marveled at the Creator of all this.
How could He care for this one tiny life in the world where so much mattered more? This is what I wanted, to know my place and feel the weight of His care for me despite my smallness.
But then, feeling the utter lack of control I had as the undertow began to tug at me, I felt the panic rising up in my chest. As much as I love the ocean, I fear it equally. I’ve never been a strong swimmer. Not another soul in sight and the shore growing farther away, I fought my breath coming in gasps. The same sea that evokes such peaceful imagery can become a beast without warning. That vastness could so easily swallow me whole.
I closed my eyes and swarm hard until my feet could find the soft sand squishing between my toes, the comforting feeling of control returning.
Lying in my bed, my little wave jumper’s head curled up under my chin, I remember the feeling of the sea all around me. I remember the panic, but also the awe. All my worries and attempts at control from the day melt away. I unclench my fists and try to let all my fears tumble from my hands. Continue Reading
Sometimes it is the burdens I bring home from the workday that I unload on my husband. Other times it is the frustrations with the kids or just with daily life. Over the years I have poured out my heart to this man who willingly listens with a nod and a knowing smile. It’s not always pretty.
He rarely offers advice unless I ask and he doesn’t rush in to fix it. He just listens, offers the gift of his presence.
Ever the worrier, I find my balance in him with his effortless trust that everything will be okay in the end. He helps this controller loosen her grip, the fixer in me let others be who they are.
I am the opposite from him in almost every way.
God knows I needed a man like this, even though sometimes I would love him to just be able to fix all of my mess.
A few months ago we celebrated ten years of building this life together and dreamed of some time away, just the two of us. We have been in a particularly stressful season of life lately and the tension building in both of our shoulders showed it.
We sat crunching numbers together as my tears fell down. That cruise we had been looking at booking for our anniversary felt like it was slipping through my fingertips as unexpected expenses piled up.
He gently took my hand. “Trust me?” he asked. “Can we do this, see it as an investment in us?”
My breathing slowed and I wanted to say “no.” I wanted to tell him about how the numbers didn’t add up and why I held onto my worry like a safety net. Instead, I nodded and he squeezed me tight.
I held onto him as he prayed over our kids, our finances, this trip, and our marriage.
As we sat on the deck of that cruise ship under the Caribbean sun, I looked up from my novel, the first I had the chance to read in months. He was engrossed in a book of his own. This day wasn’t some magic solution but it was something we both needed desperately and he knew it. We didn’t talk much that morning on the ship, just held space together.
We’ve been holding space together for ten years now. Sometimes there are words and other times we can just be silent. That’s the beauty of partnership.
I realize how grateful I was for this man who could be with my in the big, joyful moments and sit with me through the struggling ones, too.
I think about what a reflection of Our Father he is in that way. Continue Reading
For 31 days I have been going against my very nature. As I have focused on the qualities of keeping a quiet heart for this month, I have worked largely without a plan. I mapped out ideas as the beginning of the month, different Scriptures or thoughts I’d like to explore.
But each day I came to my computer or journal with that list and just asked God what He wanted me to write. I wanted my writing to be in the moment, recording what He was actually teaching me every day.
It was so draining for a Type-A, ISFJ, Enneagram 1, and perfectionist planner to work this way! There was also a strange freedom I found in it.
I tend to like to know the plan ahead of time. Actually, I like to make the plan, to be in control.
God knew this when He created me as a writer. Maybe it is why he gave me this gift.
This writing world is strange and goes by anything but a plan. You can send out a pitch to a magazine and not hear back from them for a couple months (as in, you forgot you even pitched what article you pitched to them by the time you got a response!) You may get a piece accepted that you love and after the edits you don’t even recognize your words anymore.
This writing journey has helped me let go of the plan more than I ever dreamed possible. Now if I could just do that in the other areas of my life!
I find I have to constantly ask myself one question - Are you looking to the future or to the One who holds the future in His hands?
This is a season in my life where I am faced with a lot of unknowns. I come each day to an empty page and try to make order out of the chaos that characterizes my heart most days.
I am clinging for dear life to the wisdom of Elisabeth Elliot who said, “Today is mine. Tomorrow is none of my business. If I peer anxiously into the fog of the future, I will strain my spiritual eyes so that I will not see clearly what is required of me now.”
I know my heart will never really be quiet if I am anxious about what tomorrow holds.
As we all walk on towards keeping a heart that is quiet before God, that trust the future into His hands, may the words of Colossians 3.15 be my prayer for you.
“Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts.”
So, I release these words out into the world each day and I pray that God would change me through writing them. Maybe He will even give me the incredible gift of knowing that reading them helped someone.
And tomorrow I will do it all over again. Well, maybe not tomorrow. It is November tomorrow. Write 31 Days is over and I think I need a nap…
My heart took a bit of a beating this week. It wasn’t anything catastrophic but it was one of those weeks where a lot of little disappointments and worries add up to feeling like you are drowning in discouragement.
Those unexpected expenses that have outweighed the income lately, changing some hopes and plans.
A couple of big writing rejections.
Worry about one of our children.
That unknown thing hanging over my head like a giant question mark, making me feel unable to move forward.
I sat down last night and opened my laptop, remembering the quote I had set aside to write on today and stifled a mix between a laugh and a sob. This is the quote from Elisabeth Eliot that convinced me I needed to write for an entire month and dwell on what it means to have a heart that is quiet before God.
It is from the opening essay of Keen a Quiet Heart and when I read it I recognized myself in it’s words and knew that this is a secret I must internalize, must learn to live each day…
“A quiet heart is content with what God gives. It is enough. All is grace.”
“Our enemy delights in disquieting us. Our Savior and Helper delights in quieting us…The choice in ours. It depends on our willingness to see everything in God, receive all from His hand, accept with gratitude just the portion and the cup He offers…The secret is Christ in me, not me in a different set of circumstances.”
I choked back the tears that were threatening to break through and went to meet a best friend for dinner, able to share my heart from matching rocking chairs outside the restaurant until late in the evening. It was the kind of purge that can only come when someone has known you half your life and you know you can be free to say it all. I said the words I needed to say and left them there.
This morning I read and reread Psalm 16.5-6: Lord, you alone are my inheritance, my cup of blessing. You guard all that is mine. The land you have given me is a pleasant land. What a wonderful inheritance!
I have written for weeks now about prayer, contentment, surrender, trust. I talk about the qualities of a quiet heart but the reality is these things are choices. I have to make the choice today (maybe each hour today) to trust. If I do it enough, it becomes a quality I will possess more naturally. But it comes down to choosing to listen to the enemy’s words of disquiet and worry or reaching out to choose the peace the Savior offers instead.
If I look to my circumstances as dictating the state of my heart, I will continue to yo-yo between hope and despair.
I have to choose to see HIM as my inheritance. A wonderful inheritance, indeed!
Thank you for joining me in this journey towards keeping a quiet heart. As we head into the final week, I want to give away a copy of the book that God used to prompt me to seek hard after the qualities of a quiet heart. Enter the Rafflecopter giveaway and a winner will be chosen at random on November 1 to receive Elisabeth Elliot's Keep a Quiet Heart.