October 2016 31
Only
31 Days of Practicing Faith
In October, I am free writing for five minutes a day—raw and unedited—on practicing faith in the every day. Each day is based on a different prompt from 31 Days of Five Minute Free Writes.
{Day 31} - Only
My day started with an "if only," like so many days before.
If only I'd gotten up early I would have had time to really make this a Sabbath. I would have been able to spend time with God and still get all the things I needed to accomplish. I beat myself up before my feet even hit the floor. If only I hadn't turned off that alarm.
Those thoughts may have felt like they were fleeting but they stuck to me like the smell of burnt toast lingers in the air long after the smoke has cleared. That feeling of regret made me feel like a failure no matter what I did.
Hours later, the light had already begun to fade as it does so early this time of year. My littles snuggled up next to me in the overstuffed chair, their heads under mine as the movie cast shadows on the darkening wall. In that moment there were no to-do lists or regrets, no things I would rather be doing. This was all I wanted in the world at that moment—their presence with me in those last few moments of the day.
After I tucked them in I found my way downstairs to where my journal was waiting for me this morning. It was still sitting there waiting. God was still waiting. He hadn't gone anywhere. My lateness didn't cause Him to turn from me. He just wanted my presence there with Him in those last moments of the day.
I opened up His Word and promised not to let my day end with an "if only" and prayed He'd help me not let tomorrow start with one either. I can't turn back time and get up when that alarm went off. And even if I did, He wouldn't love me any more. He doesn't love me only when I earn it yet He loves me like I'm His only.
If I'd only live like I believe it...
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Cut
31 Days of Practicing Faith
In October, I am free writing for five minutes a day—raw and unedited—on practicing faith in the every day. Each day is based on a different prompt from 31 Days of Five Minute Free Writes.
{Day 30} -Cut
This part hurts.
When I write, it's so personal. Each time I send a piece I've written into the world, it's like baring a piece of my soul. I put my heart onto the page and give others the power to damage it with their reaction to my words.
Any artist does this. Art is an extension of ourselves, it's letting down our walls a little bit so that others can peer over into the dark and tender places inside of us. We hope people will be gentle with us but they often are not.
As I seek to grow stronger in my craft, working with a good editor always grows me the most. I work hard on a piece until I feel it is perfect and then I release it into their hands.
It comes back cut to pieces. Deletions and additions, suggestions and critiques mark up the page. I don't recognize my own work anymore. For a moment it feels like rejection. I don't want to let go of these words I worked so hard to pour onto the page. She's suggesting I cut out parts that I agonized over. My heart feels a little wounded and I have to walk away from the computer for a few minutes.
I come back and look again. I realize that her words are right. I couldn't see it clearly from my vantage point but the cuts are needed. I could have said it better with fewer words. The cursor blinks like a question. What are you going to do? Which words will get cut and which will remain?
This part hurts. Deep cuts always do. But then comes the healing. You can't have one without the other.
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Date
31 Days of Practicing Faith
In October, I am free writing for five minutes a day—raw and unedited—on practicing faith in the every day. Each day is based on a different prompt from 31 Days of Five Minute Free Writes.
{Day 29} - Date
He smiles in the booth next to me, those big brown eyes filling my vision. He didn't want to sit across from me at dinner but scooted up right next to me, close enough to touch. We talk and laugh a little, but mostly I just watch him. I try to memorize every moment of our date because I know they won't come as often as I would like and one day he won't look forward to them like he does now.
My husband and I made a commitment when we got married to try to date regularly and we don't get out as often as we'd like. But that's not what tonight is about. Tonight I'm on a date with another boy...my son.
The practicing of connecting with him can so easily get lost in everyday life. So whenever I can, I let him pick what we will do. Tonight it is the arcade and laughing over milkshakes. He's five, so that's pretty much the pinnacle of dates. And he's also not too old to hold my hand as we walk into the restaurant. I know that day is coming, so I hold on as tightly as he'll let me.
In all the responsibilities God has given me in this life, this one is the most precious. His very future is made in what we do today. Who he is becoming and what values shape his life are being formed. If I don't slow down, I'll miss these precious opportunities altogether. So, for a few more minutes we share a plate of fries and this moment together.
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Eat
31 Days of Practicing Faith
In October, I am free writing for five minutes a day—raw and unedited—on practicing faith in the every day. Each day is based on a different prompt from 31 Days of Five Minute Free Writes.
{Day 28} - Eat
We say it at least a dozen times during each meal. Sometimes it feels like a hundred or more:
"Eat!"
Our kids would rather play with their food or kick each other, sing songs or drum on their plate. Anything but pay attention to their plates. Exasperated, we usually finish each meal and I wonder if they will ever focus on what's in front of them. They are always so distracted when it comes to mealtime and it becomes the most exhausting part of our day.
As I scrape uneaten food off of the plates they have already run off to the next thing. I want to be angry...
But I realize I am just like them. Sure, I've learned to sit at the table without my elbows on it, to eat my vegetables and not to chew with my mouth open. But I am easily distracted just like them. I turn my attention away from what nourishes me, too. I don't focus on the things in front of me that will fill me up either. My eyes wander away from the Bread of Life every day. How exasperated my Father must feel watching me choose lesser things than what could truly satisfy me.
I say a prayer as I stack dishes in the dish drainer and thank God for His patience with me. I ask for a share of that patience with my kids and for a hunger for the only thing that will truly fill me.
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Bouquet
31 Days of Practicing Faith
In October, I am free writing for five minutes a day—raw and unedited—on practicing faith in the every day. Each day is based on a different prompt from 31 Days of Five Minute Free Writes.
{Day 27} -Bouquet
As I turned them over in my hands, I marveled at the way every variation of red showed up in that one bouquet. Deep reddish black like blood mixed with softer tones and hues. Held together by a simple ribbon, it was the best arrangement I had received in a long time.
She knew they were my favorite so she quickly arranged them together and tied them with the crimson ribbon, sparkling red upon red. It wasn't roses or dahlias that were my favorite and she knew it. The moment we walked outside that day to go on an afternoon walk, I inhaled the crisp fall air and sighed. The leaves were finally turning on the tree in our front yard. The sun glinted on the red leaves dangling loosely, barely still attached to the branches. Many had fallen during the day and scattered over the yard.
My daughter scurried around the yard picking up the gentle offerings that autumn had left us, arranged them in a bouquet of brightly colored leaves. As we walked and noticed the pumpkins appearing on doorsteps and the Halloween decorations going up on porches around the neighborhood, I held my homemade arrangement in on one side and her hand on the other. I knew the leaves would lose their soft glow soon as they dried and turned to dust. But today they were beautiful and today they were mine.
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