October 23, 2016

Blowout

31 Days of Practicing Faith

In October, I am free writing for five minutes a day—raw and unedited—on practicing faith in the every day. Each day is based on a different prompt from 31 Days of Five Minute Free Writes.

{Day 23} -Blowout

The thumping got louder, the beating sound like something was stuck under the car growing. Once the car started to pull to one side, we knew that we hadn’t run over something. It was the tire. We pulled off the road to inspect the flat and found the source of the problem. A large screw had been embedded in the tire. My husband told me that it could have been there a while, letting air slowly leak out. We didn’t even know there was a problem until it became a full blowout. He put the spare on so we could make it to a shop to see if they could patch the tire or if the tire was beyond repair.

I have had similar blowouts in my faith. I didn’t realize there was a slow leak (or ignored it because I didn’t want to admit it) until I was weeping at the altar or crumpled in tears by my bed. There have been times when my prayers are slowly drained of life and I don’t realize it until I gasp at the thought that I haven’t come to God at all that day. I crawl into bed, feeling the shame like a tangible blemish on my soul. I feel weighed down by it, defined by my failure. I still don’t come to Him, feel like I don’t have the right to because of my forgetfulness. I wonder if there is a fix or if it is beyond repair.

We have a newer car now that has a tire pressure management system. An orange light turns on when the pressure is low, alerting us that there might be a leak. We can keep a watchful eye on the pressure to make sure we don’t have an unexpected blowout.

I am learning that journaling is my personal faith management system. I have journaled all my life, sometimes more consistently than others. Even if it is a quick check in, recording a prayer or a verse that spoke to me—it is a moment to stop and keep an eye on my day. It’s a moment to make myself stop and pray, to ask God how the pressure in my soul is feeling and give my burdens to Him. I’m trying to do a better job of managing my faith so the blowouts come less often…

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