October 26, 2016

Confront

31 Days of Practicing Faith

In October, I am free writing for five minutes a day—raw and unedited—on practicing faith in the every day. Each day is based on a different prompt from 31 Days of Five Minute Free Writes.

{Day 26} -Confront

Something has shifted in my spirit as I try to grasp the scope of God’s infinite patience and grace with me. I have always identified intimately with Paul’s thoughts about the law and sin in Romans 7 when he talks about his inability to do what he wants to do. My journals over the last few years are filled with endless variations on those words—as I struggle with the conflict between wanting to draw closer to God but lack the discipline to do the things that initiate that closeness.

I want to pray more. Why can’t I? I long to be more loving. Why am I so self-centered? I don’t want to be so full of fear. Why do I let anxiety get the best of me? On and on the struggle goes. “What a wretched man am I!” (Romans 7.24) That has been my cry, where I have wallowed for so long. I have stayed in that place.

But I needed to keep reading…there is more to Paul’s story and more to mine if I will let there be. Who will rescue me? “Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord! (verse 25). Until I confront my own shortcomings and realize there is no way for me to stop sinning, I will keep wallowing in shame. I will stay in the place of just kicking myself for my failures but never moving past them. When I come to the realization that my attempts will never be good enough but it doesn’t matter because He will rescue me…then the shift begins.

It’s not a seismic shift. It’s a subtle one. It’s a movement in my heart as I accept what He’s done for me and keep confronting my sinfulness in light of His amazing grace.

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